Bad Sex Award

This year's Bad Sex Award has been announce. I'm a bit surprised by the choice--I thought the sex scene in question was supposed to be off-putting and uncomfortable to read--but there are so many fantastically weird sentences to quote. A select few:

"How long was he going to go on with the erotic massage and general body worship without getting to her quim?"

"...he began a careful prodding of her perineum..."

"...she smelled her breast on his breath, which was otherwise piquant with saliva..."

"...half of his face, nearly, was activated for her pleasure..."

"These sorts of gyrations and five-sense choreographies, with variations on Ed's main themes, played out episodically between 10 p.m. and 10 a.m."

The full text of the award-winning scene can be found here. As an erotica writer, I enjoy reading bad sex scenes occasionally, if only to learn what not do to.

Wokka Wokka

It's sexy Pac-Man.

Yes, that's a ghost in her vagina. The costume designers could have gone with a cherry (actually in the game, sort of relates to lady-bits) but no, they went with the thing that kills you.

Look at those melons

Halloween is over, but I can't stop looking at all these delightfully crazy costumes. Here's a sexy fruit cup:

It's time for sexy costumes!

I love Halloween. I love the socially acceptable excuse to get drunk and eat candy all night. I love scary movies and spooky decorations. Most importantly, I love sexy Halloween costumes--not the obvious ones that are clearly made to be titillating, but the ones that make you go, "Who the fuck came up with that idea? Who approved it? Who actually allowed this monstrosity to be made?"

Join me in celebrating 2012's best boner-killers. This is only a partial list; chronicling every terrible skin-baring costume on the internet would be a herculean task.

 

 Oh yeah, it's a sexy memento mori! This is probably the least inappropriate item on the list. It's sorta kinda related to Halloween, even though her bones stop at the shoulders and knee joints for no particular reason.

Hey kids, did you ever watch Sesame Street? Now, you can celebrate your PBS-centric childhood with a horrifying sexy Big Bird costume. It's the candy-pink platform shoes that really take this costume from "possible misunderstanding" to "intentionally horrifying." The weirdest part? It's not the only sexy Big Bird costume available.

I guess the idea of sexy candy makes some sense; at least it's no weirder than the sexy bumblebee/ladybug costumes that are everywhere these days. What really cracks me up about this costume is that it's a tootsie roll, and everyone knows that brownish pieces of foul-tasting crud that get stuck in your teeth are the least sexy thing ever.

 I don't really understand the furry thing, but if it gets you hot and bothered I suppose that's none of my business. Still, this is listed as a sexy chinchilla costume. Sexy. Chinchilla. Costume. You know, the little furball in an elementary school classroom, but sexy. This has obviously been mass produced, so clearly someone thought that sexy chinchillas would be all the rage this year.

Yeah, it's sexy Chewbacca. Technically, it's a "Sci-Fi Furry Costume," but the same page has links to some fairly obvious knockoff Storm Trooper and Darth Vader costumes. This would actually be a hilarious outfit to wear with the right crowd, but you would have to be very self-assured and very drunk to pull it off.