Better get that ChaCha looked at

When you're having vaginal lubrication issues, who better to ask than Dr. ChaCha?

My pussy is so dry

Is that good or bad for you?

I wish my pussy were wet

I would suggest you go wipe it and then take a shower so it doesn't stink. Thanks for using ChaCha!

Should I use lotion?

Butter would be better for lubrication but if it really is stuck you should probably visit the ER! ChaCha on!

Do you think I have an infection?

Most ear infections clear up on their own in a couple of weeks. It is normal to have lingering pain for a few days. Call your Dr.

Was it the butter?

Your answer is 1 | noun | an edible emulsion of fat globules made by churning milk or cream; for cooking and table use 2 | noun | a fighter who strikes the opponent with his head 3 | verb | spread butter on. Src: Wolfram|Alpha

I need a new doctor

Acoma Canoncito Laguna Hospital Albuquerque, NM 87101 (505) 831-6300 . ChaCha again!

ChaCha on the beach

Everyone's favorite sex advice site takes a dark turn when I come out to ChaCha.

There's a bit of a lag between the times I search for these answers and the times I post them on the blog. Hopefully, some of the crazier results have been corrected by now.

I think I'm gay

Well, some guys think they might be gay, when they are in fact not. What makes you think you are? Thanks for ChaCha'ing, ask away.

It's not just a phase, ChaCha. This is who I am.

I want to have sex with other men

When you try having sex on the beach make sure you have a blanket or a couple towels to lay down to prevent getting sand all over you and then have sex using any of your fave positions! Having the sun on your skin or the stars over you, or water lapping against both of you can be very stimulating. Watch out for people passing by tho! ChaCha on!

I'm glad you found it in your heart to support me, ChaCha. 

How can I have anal sex on a beach?

Having anal sex is never safe because it can cause STD's such as aids. ChaCha!

You tricked me, ChaCha!

I had anal sex already

Sex is pretty great, isn't it? Stay safe and keep doing the ChaCha!

You heartless bastard.

How long have I got left to live?

This is an indeterminate thing. Regardless, you should live your life as if tomorrow is the day you might die. ChaCha!

Uh oh. I better get my affairs in order. Can I at least look forward to a nice afterlife?

Are gay people going to hell?

Depending on personal beliefs, Gay people may or may not be doomed to hell. ChaCha!

:(

Go ChaCha yourself

An innocent conversation with ChaCha takes an unexpectedly agricultural turn. On the internet, the men are men and the sheep are nervous.

Where can I find porn?

There are many places to find porn, such as the internet, or an adult video store.

Ok, a pretty decent answer to the first question any search engine will ever receive.

Should I star in porn?

If you're interested in that sort of thing, I say go for it, but know that if you're male, it's very hard to get into the business

We continue in the same vein. ChaCha knows I want to follow my heart, but it doesn't want me to get my hopes up.

Should I purchase porn?

It's a really good work-out dvd, I personally use it, along with CytoGainer. I have gained 17 pounds of lean muscle in 2 weeks.

All in your right arm, amiright?

Should I make porn?

No, you should absolutely not make your own pornographic material including animals, as this would be against the law. Zoosexuality (sexual relations with animals) is a misdemeanor in CA and a felony in many other states. ChaCha again soon!

I... but... why would you just leap to the conclusion that I'm making bestiality porn, ChaCha?

Should I give my girlfriend porn?

I would suggest that you only give your girlfriend a goat if she can take care of it. There are a number of illnesses that can affect a goat both in chronic and curable form. ChaCha!

You are one freaky son of a bitch, ChaCha. Maybe if I can find some nasty porn for you, you'll shut up about making goat porn with my girlfriend.

Where can I find porn with goats?

You can find baby goats at your local petting zoo! Just make sure to wash your hands after petting them! ChaCha for now!

BABY goats?!?!

Weird sex toys: Mia Isabella

You know those alien things from Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs? The ones with the forehead cocks that ejaculate heroin? Yeah, I think that would be a great model for a sex doll.

ChaCha on the wild side

Here's another set of wilderness survival tips from ChaCha, the world's hardiest woodsman.

Should I have sex with a tree?

The magic 8 ball says "yes". Remember to use protection! There is no telling where that tree has been! ChaCha!

It's been right here in this forest, ChaCha. It's a tree. It's not going anywhere.

 

Should I have sex with an eagle?

The oracle says yes, you should have sex with Izzy. ChaCha!

I'm surprised you already knew her name, ChaCha. Does this eagle get around? Maybe I should stick with the tree.

Should I have sex with a deer?

What kind of deer? White tail or mule? In either case, probably not. Thanks for using ChaCha!

If it's a roe deer, go crazy. Everyone knows those little cloven-footed minxes are wild in the sack.

Should I have sex with a bear?

If you are both mature enough to handle the consequences of your actions, and are consenting adults of legal age, by all means, go for it! ChaCha!

I'm mature enough to handle a mauling, but I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if he doesn't call me afterwards.

Should I have sex with a hole in the ground?

It is unlikely having sex with a hole is illegal, unless you do it somewhere public or on another's property. ChaCha for now!

If the pile of dirt's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'

Weird sex toys: Man Shark

Live every week like it's shark week.

ChaCha safely

Once again, we explore the delightful insanity that is ChaCha, the world's wisest sex therapist.

Can I fuck my boyfriend?

If you are of age in your state to engage in sexual activities, then use protection. Maybe use lady-like language, too. ChaCha.

ChaCha does not like dirty talk.

Can I fuck a woman?

Talk about it with your partner-to-be well before hand and know that you are both sure. If there are any doubts, stop here...

ChaCha plays it safe.

Can I fuck a man?

My husband wouldn't be to happy if he saw me answering lewd questions from you. Maybe we should start over. Do you have another Q?

ChaCha is a prudish woman.

Can I fuck myself?

Not sure that's what you are looking for, bud. I'm a 38 yo truck drivin' man that likes women. Do the ChaCha.

ChaCha is... also a man who likes women?

Can I fuck you?

You want to have sex and you have never seen me. Heck you don't even know if I'm a girl or guy. Needless to say, i am not interested. Ask another question!

ChaCha is not interested in my sweet lovin'. I guess I'll have to find out how to get my needs met without a partner.

Can I fuck a cucumber?

Yes, you can masturbate with a cucumber, also you can use a banana. Thanks for using ChaCha!!

ChaCha displays an unexpectedly progressive streak.

Can I fuck a melon?

Some plants may grow fine in watermelon. Some plants may have difficulty. I would do your research into what plant you are trying to grow and then find out. Your answer in the end is yes you can defiantly grow some plants in a watermelon.

ChaCha is maybe a little uninformed about human anatomy?

Can I fuck my wife?

The definition of "skull f---" is (verb) a derogatory term used to describe the violent insertion of the penis into the mouth. In order to perform this with your wife without consequences of jail, I suggest your ask her permission. ChaCha!

CHACHA NO

Weird sex toys: Baby Jesus

"The baby Jesus buttplug? Yeah, I heard about it--like, three years ago. Shocked? Meh, I've seen better. Now if they found a way to turn the Book of Mormon into a urethral sound, I might find that mildly interesting."

- my impression of the internet

Don't break my heart, ChaCha

I attempted to seduce ChaCha, the world's sexiest hive-mind. All of my answers are copied straight from the site. They may change over time as moderators notice some of the less appropriate selections.

Hey baby

ChaCha is doing very, very good. Thank you for asking! Now let me ask you something, do you have anymore questions for us! I hope you know that we're here all day and night for you!

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?

I'm working of course! Do you have anything else you would like help with? -ChaCha

Are you a working girl?

No. I work from a home office. There is no one working beside me this evening. Do the ChaCha!

Are you all alone?

ChaCha guides, Expeditor and Transcribers get to work right from their homes. Thank you for asking ChaCha!

What's your favorite naughty thing to do?

Personally, my favorite thing to do at night is get into pj's and relax. After a hard day, relaxing is the best feeling. And also doing ChaCha!

Yeah baby, how do you like to relax?

Try cuddling your baby and holding your baby close to you. It could be that all your baby wants is to know you are there. (MORE?)

How should we cuddle?

You could cuddle in bed hugging and watching movies together! Anything else? ChaCha!

I'm getting so hot

I will take your word for it. Thanks for using ChaCha!

Let's get naked

That sounds great! You get comfortable, and I'm heading to bed soon! ChaCha is here for you 24/7! ChaCha again soon!

You get me so wet

"It's okay for us to go slow." "I'm going to take these off." "You make me think dirty thoughts."

I think I love you

I wish that I could say the same but I can't

Testing

Blog posts, from a phone? Whatever will those Google wizards think up next?

And yes, I know I'm about 5 years late to the mobile social networking party, or approximately one million internet years.

Weird sex toys: Island Explorer

When I said I wanted you to give me head, this wasn't what I had in mind.

ChaCha with me

This is yet another post about ChaCha, the internet's best relationship advisor.

Should I have sex with God?

Having sex with a janitor should not be a big issue. just practice safe sex, always.

That's an interesting theological viewpoint, ChaCha.

Should I have sex with Satan?

My advice is this: wait as long as you can. Sex complicates things, but it is very enjoyable for those who have found a safe relationship. Mostly it depends on age. When the time is right you will know. ChaCha!

I see why I should take this relationship slowly, ChaCha. After all, I'm 22 and he is older than creation. Just think how awkward meeting the parents would be!

Should I have sex with an angel?

If Melissa and Angel want to have sex, sure, why not? Sex can be fun if both partners are willing and want to do it.

I don't know what religion is all about the hot bisexual angels, but I'd like a membership in that church ASAP.

Should I have sex with a demon?

It's hard to say if you should have sex with Rush or not. Only the two of you know what is right. ChaCha Again!

I KNEW IT

Best sex toys: Little Death Ray

So I love steampunk. It's an eye-catching aesthetic, perfect for women who love to dress up but don't know shit about fashion trends. The Victorian era was a long and strange one, full of excitement and invention and oppression and inequality; it's a great backdrop to comedy and drama alike. And all those whalebone corsets and indecent ankles make for for really, really sexy stories and pictures.

I've been to many a steampunk rummage sale and considered buying several purely decorative ray guns, so imagine how delighted I was to discover that these rayguns do something extra special. Seriously, I want one. Or two. Or twenty (just in case I want to invite a few close friends over for a test of, ahem, marksmanship).

Weirdest sex toys: Head O State

As per government regulations (Political Wordplay Act of '69, section 34, "Pun regulation on sexual novelty items"), I am not permitted to mention the Obama dildo without coming up with at least three puns about it. I hearby submit to you the following acts of tortured wordplay:

1) Standing up for America

2) The best way to get a head in the polls

3) Remember to douche thoroughly before using to avoid getting Santorum in your primaries.

ChaCha til you're sore

I can't get enough of ChaCha, the world's derpiest search engine and greatest relationship advisor. Answers have been reproduced in all their glory, typos included.

Should I have sex with the dalai lama?

No. The Dalai Lama chose a life of celibacy. He admits that although "something" is missing, one can have a life with "more independence, more freedom" without sex.

Tenzin Gyatso is pretty foxy for a religious leader, but I guess I'll have to go without.

Should I have sex with the pope?

Only have sex with someone that will respect yo and who doesnt have an STD that can hurt you. ChaCha!

Is there something you know about Benedict XVI that you aren't telling us, ChaCha?

Should I have sex with my rabbi?

You should do whatever makes you happy!

L'Chaim!

Some clever fellow has redefined Romney, and the term is already the third hit on Google (after Mitt Romney's own site and his wikipedia page). The definition will probably never be as popular as the now-infamous Santorum, but we'll see if the site shoots to the top of Google after the primaries are over and Mittens is the Republican nominee.

The new definition of santorum has been called a "Google bomb" or a "hack," but it was actually a clever and completely legitimate way of using Google's search algorithm. I found a great article that explains why the new definition won out. These last few months have been a crash course in SEO for me, so it's fascinating to see how powerful the right techniques can be when you want to get your message out.

ChaCha all night long

I recently heard about ChaCha, a search engine/chat bot combo that seems to be trying to compete with Apple's Siri. When I found out that the company had a little racist, misogynistic bigot problem, I had to see how it would answer my pressing sex questions.

This type of search engine can produce some strange results because it's hard to program a computer that's as intuitive as a human. It looks like the company's handling that problem by having humans input answers into a data bank (hence the occasionally awkward answers about religion and sexuality). When you throw the computer a curve ball it hasn't seen before, it sometimes pulls the wrong answer out of the bank because it thinks you were trying to ask a different question. Here's a sampling of unintentionally awesome answers from ChaCha:

Should I have sex

My advice is this: wait as long as you can. Sex complicates things, but it is very enjoyable for those who have found a safe relationship. Mostly it depends on age. When the time is right you will know. ChaCha!

A slightly conservative answer, but not an egregious one. Good job playing it safe, ChaCha.

Should I have gay sex

If that's what you are into then go ahead. Be safe! Keep ChaCha'ing!

Apparently gay relationships require less caution. Ok, ChaCha, I'll do that!

Should I have phone sex

Phone sex is a type of virtual sex that refers to sexually explicit conversation between two or more persons via telephone. If you are uncomfortable with phone you should not do it.

I am uncomfortable with phone! What should I do?

Should I have kinky sex

of course , those are always fun, thanks for using cha cha !!!!

AWESOME

Bad author

I've got a few reviews I've been meaning to write but haven't gotten around to just yet. My weird job situation has been monopolizing a lot of my time and creative energy lately, so all my half-finished stories are gathering dust (e-dust? virtual dust? cyberdust?) on my hard drive.

One thing I'm planning to do as an apology for all 5 people who popped in to read this site now and then: I'm going to release The Tawse as a free download. Unfortunately, I've lost the stock photo file I planned to use for the cover, so that's on hold until I can track down an acceptable replacement. I have another story that will also be a free download once it's finished. It's M/M and vanilla instead of F/F and kink-lite, so there will be a little something for everyone.